August 8 New York City
Today marks 5 months to the day when my heart and its valves were repaired. (A journal was kept publicly, of course. https://freddythedaddy.com/time-to-recover-a-journal-of-my-do-over/)
I have been forever changed by the whole experience – even now people keep telling me that my heart is repaired and better than before. That I should just go back to my life and move forward. My kids tell me to stop using it as an excuse from getting out of situations such as carrying stuff, changing the water and excusing myself from any social gatherings.
They are right in that respect (But I do take advantage and milk it a bit).
But its been 5 months and I still am tired at times – I get winded and feel like I need to sleep although I am doing much better and I feel in better shape than I have been in a long time.
I walked 3 1/2 miles this morning at around 7 and took some nice pictures.
Still the thought keeps coming to mind that I was a walking time bomb. Why was I blessed enough to have it defused before it blew up.
I have lost a lot since that afternoon – I am not as funny as I used to be, lost some weight (a long way still to go), lost out financially and my legs are not as hairy as they were. (too much information?)
I have also gained a lot – not the least is the knowledge that out of all the possessions in the world there is nothing more valuable and precious as love. To be loved, I have come to realize, is not a possession to take for granted. Love is more valuable than gold or diamonds. Not to sound like a cliche but sometimes cliches are on the mark. I have always treasured love and the people around me but have never truly understood that love should not be an assumption. Love is easily fracturable – its as brittle as a leaf in November. I have “Seen the Light!” I have come to understand that when someone gives their love to you it is something to be appreciated.
I have also come to be aware that life is uncertain and unpredictable.
There are countless books on life, time and love written by authors who have lost one or all of them. Shakespeare wrote, well, I will paraphrase Old Bill, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” Is it? Yes I guess it is but the loss is something we should never know from. There is a loneliness that pierces – and the scar will never go away. It heals but there is always that moment when your memory becomes crystal clear and you wince in pain.
Its a strange journey we are faced with. A plethora of challenges, obstacles and instantaneous disappearances. Sicknesses, poverty and abuse. Lost souls and broken hearts. Instant gratification followed by a view from the alley of desperation where one knife will combat a gun; a war that only the innocent will lose.
Then there is the unlimited beauty of this world – Autumn leaves clashing against the Autumn sky, an ocean that goes on forever, or so it seems, her eyes, her hair, her neck and the way her lips swell when she smiles. A new born child…
Survival and second acts in life are the best stories. Comebacks – like the Met’s in 1986 – 2 outs no one on base and 2 strikes – seemingly lost only to win unexpectedly on a ground ball trickling…
The sun as it rises and as it sets, the mist on the grass as you walk upon it barefoot, the first snowflake floating towards the ground joined by a congregation of flakes accumulating upon the bare trees creating a picture only God can create. The rebirth of those same bare trees as the spring thaws the winter away into pools for us to swim in come summer.
There are so many wonders in this world – so many miracles in every passing second. I am not ready to leave yet – I have too much work to do, people to love and places to see. I want to “dance in the moonlight”, to “sing and dance with one hand free”…to finally win and say “I paid my dues and committed no crime and I am the champion…”
As I walk down this unpredictable path again, I can feel the scar horizontally running down my chest, I wear it with pride this scar. As I enter what my 47th year next week – and the fifth month since I was rebooted, I can only feel gratitude for what God has blessed me with so far. He has taken me personally from the desert into a land full of milk and honey.
Maimonides also asserted that a miracle cannot prove what is impossible; it is useful only to confirm what is possible.
I believe with each breath we take, with each smile and with each second we live – we are surrounded by miraculous events which prove that with God’s help anything is possible.
*Actual birth date is August 13, 1966 – my second act birthday is March 8th