Its November in New York City and Thanksgiving is a day or two away. The temperature is in the 50’s and its apparently going to drop a little over the next couple of days. I am working, for now, on 33rd Street off of 5th Avenue. I see the heart of the city day in and day out. The pumping is felt as you walk up Broadway towards Time Square, which is lit up like a pinball machine with images of heroes and giants. Nudists walk painted, posing for pictures for a twenty dollar bill, costumed cartoons walk within a perimeter marked in paint in a circular shape.
Lost, I walk and I try and understand my thinking – clear up the clouds and the fog that have ascended and descended upon me, from the right and the left. Have you ever felt so sad that you actually begin to worry? Have you ever felt so sad that it felt as if you had internal bruises?
I am working on a compilation book of my Tales from the F Train short stories. I will be rewriting, editing and adding additional details to them. I need some success to be the prozac; I need some success to take away the sense of loss within me. I need some success to remember just who the hell I am.
My update here is to acknowledge that I have a problem and I am tackling it. Mental issues are hard because they can be intangible, untraceable to the blood tests or physical examinations. But I feel the pain as I walk and I remember another day, week, year, decade has past me by and I have yet to ascend as I had wished, hoped and dreamed of doing.
Footsteps in blocks of cement, I feel as if I have been thrown overboard into a raging river and I am lost to the elements of rain, rocks and flesh eating ghosts.
Is there an evil eye casting its curse upon me, keeping me chained in? Who’s head do these eyes belong to? Paraders carry signs asking for freedom and gratitude. Pizza men, Chinese deliveries, policemen, bikers and tourists cramp the streets towards the subway entrance – trying to find my way home.
The first step towards freedom is acknowledging the issue – I ask for Your help I am not strong enough – can You hear me?
I believe, I believe, I believe – its all I can do.
November is a month filled with victories, defeats, remembrance and gratitude – I am ready to celebrate – take, take, take away the traps that have ensnared me – help me to be free to be all I can; to be my full me – the true me.
I accept the truth, the truth that I am in need of your help. I publish it here for all to see and read.
Close those eyes that ensnare me, that stare at me – forgive me my sin and instill in me the potion of freedom. Open up those gates, take off this chain and knock those walls to the ground – open my eyes, close the eyes of the corpse eating vultures who feed and survive upon the flesh of the hurt, of the wounded and of the dead.
I am ready to fly.