The street noise seems noisier this morning as the trucks race up a crowded avenue and the distant sirens scream their impending arrival. Streets are busier and a young lady runs towards the El as I simply walk and maneuver my way on my way.
Wednesday morning at 7 something, way earlier than I want to be walking and later than most days.
There’s a middle aged man talking to a Russian woman about Ukraine and Russia and is talking way too loud. I want to switch cars, I want to tell him to shut the fuck up but mostly I want to listen to music but my air pods or whatever Samsung calls them, are not working.
I am in a bad mood lately and impatient in a life where I must be patient. Is it me or has this world become even more upside down?
“I don’t know,” I think to myself, “maybe it’s always been this way? Maybe I have always been this way.”
I have always had a false sense of self greatness which has never manifested into much other than wrong turns and overwhelming uncertainty. Hopeless faith in a power we can never understand, has me wondering if faith is a rationalization to get us through this all.
I believe, I believe but at times it’s so complicated to understand.
Adults worship a self obsessed maniac who promotes hatred, divisiveness and himself. The worst kind of whore who only looks to please himself.
Adults ignore a giant powerful country as it rapes, destroys and kills a smaller nation for power.
Someone is a David and he will destroy a Goliath, hopefully sooner rather than later.
On this subway ride I am surrounded by Italians, Hasidic Jews, Indians, Asians, black and brown people. All sitting together on rows.
A young black kid stands up to let an older Asian lady sit down and she smiles. A gay couple holds hands while a hetero couple sits with the man’s head on the ladies shoulder.
Everyone is everyone and no one is any individual. It’s a multi colored cacophony, a multi painted scened tapestry, a coat of many colors and it all blends.
That’s New York City, right? The crimes we hear about are miniscule in comparison to the amount of non violence.
In a philosophical mood I question hatred. How can someone look another in the eyes and hate them simply because of their skin color, choice of faith, sexual preferences and the language they speak?
The only reason I could think of is that people are so disenfranchised and angry, they choose to join a members only club of hatred to feel a part of something. To deflect their self disgust onto others.
I’m no psychology major or minor, I’m simply a man in his late 50s who has seen enough selfishness, ignorance and unfounded hatred in my life.
Ok I’m going on too long and not even describing my commute.
I’m just frustrated and burnt out a bit. I am able to gain some therapy by writing down my thoughts and frustrations. Maybe a reader will happen upon this box of letters and find meaning or solace? I’m sure people will think I’m a “Liberal” or a “Hippy” who believes love can cure all.
Maybe not love, but perhaps acceptance can be a step in the right direction?
Thank you for riding the F and A train with me to work.