Fifty…Almost

In a little over 4 weeks I will be turning 50 years of age.

I didn’t think this would hit me as it did, but its been weighing on my mind now for the past couple of months.
Its not that I feel old, hell I felt old at 12. Its just that I can hear the faint sounds of the second hand clicking. I am on the second lap around the track and I am feeling the strain.

Life is hard.
There are so many amazing scenes which propel us through the shitty parts of life’s scenes, but there is this fear that I have possibly ‘jumped the shark’ and I am no longer relevant in a world filled with giants and castles; the princesses look at me, the old Jester telling the same tired jokes and the same old routines, turn and look away. My queen sees me as a possible error in judgment and when I look in the mirror I can understand why.

Fifty years since I was born and I wonder if I have left a footprint. I have dreamed of success in businesses throughout the years and have come up short. I have sworn everlasting love only to be discarded. Too many whispers into my soul about the dreams that still have a pulse and I wonder if its ever going to come in its time.

The answers to life? They are simple to define but not as simple to enact. Darkness weighs the mind down and exhausts me until I only feel like disappearing into a dark room to camouflage myself against whatever it is that ails me.

Nike says, “Just do it,” while Nancy Reagan has said, “Just say no.” Just subliminal messages with red lights and green lights – but the traffic is thick ahead.

I have my children, the loves of my life, I sometimes advise them to live life to the fullest. Imploring them that there is no need for alcohol to use to acquire the courage to act or to use as an excuse for the acts. The power is inside of you – you must have faith in yourself before you can truly leap and fly.

Love is truly the only answer to life. There is an astronomical definition to this one word. Infinite amounts of emotional definitions, physical actions and empowerment. You can only truly experience this love, this most powerful tool in the universe, once you learn to love yourself for the true person you are.

The true person you are is the core, how you perceive yourself to be, what you enjoy and what you do not, changes from moment to moment. Life, death and time tarnish or polish the dreams, the hopes and the desires we possess. Passion is the fun part – in bed, on the playing field or in work; in arts and in the house. Passion is an extension of love – passion is the all encompassing ultimate enjoyment of anything, everything and more.

Drink it in, breath it in and absorb it all; take the road you choose not the one on google maps or in old books written by others who have experienced life much differently and in worlds you will never visit or see to be able to comprehend.

A man living in the apartment next to you for your whole life, born the same day as you and attended the same schools you have; you are still two different people who’s view is distorted by unseen forces.

We are all unique despite the fact that we are each identical is so many ways. We all feel, see, sense, smell and define everything differently. We breath the same air, yet each breath enters our bodies and have different meanings for each.

The man answer to life’s biggest questions? Love, that’s it. Everything in life stems from love. Loving yourself, loving what you do and loving others. We complicate life – but its really about love, passionate intoxicating love. At fifty I can say that “The story of my life,” has been her. I have been blessed with the love of so many but there is only one who rises above them all.

(To be continued)