The jury was out for only 3 minutes, at the most, before they notified the bailiff they had reached a verdict.
The weather had become thunderous inside. The press all ran back to their seats, the judge didn’t have time to put on clothes so he simply draped his long gown over himself and ran towards his bench.
Thunder cracked with an intensity which shook the edifice. A mouse scurried across the floor, the bailiff let out a high pitched scream and then comported himself.
The accused sat watching stoically as his attorney, resigned to a guilty verdict, sat sweating and shaking by his side.
The prosecutor was smiling and winking at the young stenographer. She was less than thirty years of age, she had dark hair, red lipstick and wore a bright red blouse. She just shook her head with disgust at him and focused on her job. The judge gave him an admonishing look. The prosecutor quickly began winking and rubbing his eyes as if his wink to the stenographer was initiated by a speck of dust and not lust.
“Gentlemen of the jury have you reached a verdict?” There were no females on the jury. Perhaps that was the problem?
“Yes, we have your honor.”
“In the case of self vs self, in the matter of neglect and sabotage in relation to self care and self love how do you find the accused? “
“We find the accused guilty as usual.”
“Come on judge that’s bullshit.”
“Bailiff bring this guy a mirror.”
“Ok I get it. I’m going to try harder to better myself. I’ve been trying, judge.”
“We will see you again in one month. At that point we expect to see you dressed better, shaven, and at least 5 pounds lighter.”
“You know judge, it’s not that easy out there. You see what I go through, it’s just very overwhelming and sometimes I just want to lay down and dream about being someone and somewhere else. “
“That’s because you fail to look around and appreciate what you do have rather than what you do not.”
“Oh come on that’s bullshit, judge. I appreciate everything around me other than the financial mess I put myself into.”
“So you punish yourself because you didn’t have foresight?”
“I don’t punish myself, I just get overwhelmed with sadness because my circumstances seem to stuck in a state of inertia. “
“Stop with the excuses and the fancy verbiage, we see through you, we are you!”
“If you don’t change in six months we will have no choice but to sentence you to continued depression and self hatred.”
I am the judge and jury. They all exist within me. Sometimes I feel like a corrupt and evil judge, while other times I am way too easy on the accused.
It’s the characters we possess within, we are the harshest critics which can corrupt the most innocent of souls.
Part “love is the answer” part “instant karma is gonna get you” do you understand where I am going with this, your honor? I plead ignorance and I plead compassion. My defense is ignorance and possession of way too high expectations.
The doors never opened and the sales never sold. The words were never read and the songs were never sung.
I stand here sweeping the floors and I still believe I’m just a phone call away from the fruition of those expectations.
Somehow I still have this faith. Feel like I am on a boat sinking and unable to stay afloat. The wooden trailerpark yacht, coming apart, piece by piece… I can sense the rainbow when in actuality the skies are a blank canvas.
Waiting for that sign, your honor, my crime is having blind faith without educating myself. If there were do overs I would do over only those times when arrogance ruled my decisions rather that listening to my heart