Monday, beautiful day outside as I walk to the Kings Highway F train platform.
Having grown up on these streets I expected to feel somewhat sentimental. Expected some ghosts poking me and reminding me of some scenes from an old movie you only get to see one time.
I only see the changes and I feel as if I am on another street in another part of town.
The skies are blue and the sun is out. The scent of summer is in the air. I feel that old summer dread and I still can’t quite figure it out. I picture an empty road on a very hot day and I am alone. My stomach in knots, my brain is working slowly, about to crash. I take a step back and I breathe.
It’s like restarting a computer, all the crap the was slowing it down is tossed away. It’ll come back soon enough but at least there is a reprieve.
I close my eyes and I try to understand that sense of abandonment inside of me. Is it the sense of crashing a party and feeling out of place?
A sense of being lost in time and carrying over the luggage from a time when I was younger and I became a sort of recluse?
Is it the memories of summers past which still find their way into my heart and poke me full of holes?
Tuesday morning, listening to, “Country Comfort” and imagining that old fashioned feeling.
It hit me this morning, that sentimental feeling as I walked from the shul down Kings Highway.
I can see my pop and he is saying, “it’s ok, don’t worry.”
I think about what he is referring to. I think, I hold back the worrying but it’s still inside of me, percolating and I feel it begin to boil at times. Is it better to worry and express oneself than to worry, suppress it and act as if it’s just another rogue emotion out to steal my peace of mind? Swat it away like a fly?”
I was thinking about getting a coffee but
I decide to just go straight to the train and go to work.
There are questions we can only solve with time and experience. You cannot rush the lesson as it will fall on deaf ears and antsy legs counting the seconds to the bell.
How can one explain life to one who is traveling within and at the speed of a hurricane wind? So many items flying at and past you as you try and get home. Can you see the do not enter sign and simply rush in? I thought so. I did the same. I played John Wayne and acted invincible. It gets you a mile down the road with an empty tank of gas and no horse in sight.
I’m rambling. I do that.
It’s ok, one day when I am no longer here someone will read it and think I am a genius. I’m not. This is just part of the lessons of life and time.